Seven Things You Need to Stop Doing Online Immediately

girl using phone

Sometimes I ask myself, “Julia, why are you so cynical?”

And the answer is, “Because I sit online all day and watch people posting things that are annoying to me, personally, and therefore the rest of the world, probably.”

The Internet is a vast landscape of people doing and saying things they shouldn’t. But we all have the power to make the world a better place, little by little, one withheld tweet at a time.

Here are seven things you need to stop doing online immediately:

Excessively bragging about your husband/boyfriend. 

Bragging (or humblebragging) about your significant other online is the equivalent of bitch slapping a single person in the face with their own pint of ice cream. It usually doesn’t feel good for anyone but you.

You can brag a little, cause they’re probably great, but try to intersperse these posts with a video or two of a corgi. Everyone likes corgis.

Ranting about all the ignorant people you are Facebook friends with. 

If you hate all your Facebook friends so much, don’t be Facebook friends with them. Unless you want to keep them around to read your status rant about them, in which case it would be foolish to delete them.

Allude to something going on in your life through subtle inspirational quotes that you made up yourself. 

Just tell me what’s going on. I’m glad you’re pulling yourself up by your boot straps, but your inspiration means nothing to me without some context behind it. You could be trying to overcome a particularly bad hair year, I don’t know.

Posting pictures of your relative who I don’t know seconds after they’ve given birth. 

Your relative probably doesn’t appreciate it, and I don’t appreciate imagining your relative giving birth and possibly pooping herself. Now if I ever meet your strange relative (which I won’t) that will be the only thing I associate her with.

Posting quizzes. 

Unless the quiz is about which Avery I would be from Making a Murderer, I will never take your quiz.

Posting angry political articles not from a credible source. 

There are many angry people out there, and a lot of them have enough time on their hands to create a weird meme or two and write a poorly-worded article about how awful so-and-so is or how our world is really just the pits.

These articles bring me down. And they clog up my feed with space that could be taken up by wedding pictures, which I will stalk relentlessly.

Talking about what your child ate for breakfast. 

Unless your child consumed seven extra large pizzas in one sitting and then turned into a pizza, this information is useless to me.

Together, we can make a #betterinternet.

Hashtags I will also accept: #donutgamestrong, #bulldogsdoingthings, and #keepjuliahappy.

2 replies »

  1. Best line ever: “Bragging (or humblebragging) about your significant other online is the equivalent of bitch slapping a single person in the face with their own pint of ice cream.”

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